An open letter to depression

Dear Mr. Depression;

You entered my life as a most unwelcome visitor but yet I invited you in and made your stay quite comfortable. I was there at your beck and call, always willing to listen to any negative thoughts that you wanted to share, and there were many nights when we stayed up listing my many failures and unsatisfactory performances.

Such fond memories I have of crying myself to sleep as you went on and on reminding me that I was ugly, over weight, stupid, mean, I had no friends and that my family hated me.Countless times did you taunt me with the promise of an end if I just swallowed a few more pills, but time and time again my body, your enemy would not let those pills stay down. So you got creative with your suggestions, had me considering other ways to stop the pain. And then one day you were gone!

My life took on a new direction, I was able to get up in the mornings, I wanted to spend time with my daughter and my friends. I had suddenly realized that everything you had been whispering in my ear for years was a lie. I was on top of the world and my accomplishments showed it.

Then, just as suddenly as you disapeared you were back, like a shadow, you were once again ever present. Quickly my self-esteem crumbled, my nights were once again bleak and never ending. I no longer found joy in anything. I drank to keep you away but it never worked, I turned to sex to take my focus off of you but you were able to twist my mind and make me feel worse for attempting to hide from you.

Daily you were in my ear whispering to me, reminding me of all that I had tried so hard to forget. My work began to suffer as I remembered that I was not capable, I had been fooling myself and everyone around me, my daughter was not given the love she needed because you reminded me that I didn't deserve love and I was a terrible mother. I saw less and less of my friends because you and I both know that they did not like me. Any potential relationship that came along was quickly dissolved as you pointed out that I was unlovable and no guy really wanted an ugly fat girl for their girlfriend.

Once again you were there with a solution to end it all, to make the dark black hole disapear. You began putting the pills in front of me, again and again and again. Each time I failed, you were there pointing out that I can't even successfully kill myself I was a failure. When I considered asking for help you reminded me that no one would care.

One day I woke up with a strength I never knew I possessed and told you it was time to leave, you taunted me that I would never be able to keep you away, but I did for almost a year. I got an even better job, I got an apartment for me and my daughter, I began to date, I even met someone. But my life was going to well you couldn't handle it so you stepped up your game. You came at me with everything you had and in one weak moment I let you back in. Before I could stop it you were there with me in a darken room, taunting me, laughing at me for thinking that I could have a happy, successful life and you were right, that life was not for me.

Finally we came to an agreement, I wouldn't try anything to better myself or be happy and you would get to stay. I bought myself a house, you didn't like that you constantly laughed at me accusing me of "playing house" of just pretending to be a grown-up. Deep down I knew you were right. Time went by and nothing drastic happened we had both accepted that this was how our lives would be. It all changed when I met someone who made me realize that I was capable of loving another and have them love me in return.

You and I, we had it out. I was confident that you were not coming back in to my life I had finally realized that the past 11 years had been a lie. YOU were the one that was unlovable, YOU were the one who was not good enough and YOU were the one who had to go. I came so close to getting rid of you, but you had one last trick up your sleeve, it was something you had been saving just in case I got to cocky.

I will never know what you did, or how it happened, but overnight you drug me back in. I couldn't sleep at night but I couldn't stay awake during the day. I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to hide. I began to need constant reassurance that I was loved I began to look outside for the reassurance because you were once again telling me that I wasn't. One day when I was weak you took over, once again there were the pills and you were telling me to take them, to end all of this once and for all. That was when I snapped, for the first time in my life I asked for help, I reached out to the people who I thought loved me best. It turns out you were right, no one would believe me.

After that I tried to convince myself to get help, but you were there ridiculing me, pointing out that the people who love me don't believe me why would a perfect stranger? You were right, what was the point. Slowly people began to notice something wasn't right, my work had been suffering for almost six months, I was getting into trouble and I couldn't pull myself out of it. I went to talk to a therapist.

When I went in, you, my ever present shadow was right by my side, whispering in my ear that she wont believe me, there is nothing wrong with me, she will only laugh at me if I told her about you. So I talked about other things, small problems in my life, we danced around the major one, the one that was causing all of the issues in my life, we totally ignored you.

You were loving life, my relationship was dying, my job was crashing and burning, my friends thought I was crazy, everything I had wanted was disappearing and it was all because of you. One day I had finally had enough, I spent three days collecting the pills and cough medicine that would hopefully send me over the edge. I sat down to write my farewell note, crying as I did it, knowing this was not what I wanted to do, but you were there reminding me of all that I was losing, reminding me that I had once chance at happiness and I blew it.

I have had it with you depression, you were an univited guest in my life and you have over stayed your welcome, becuase of you I have sabataged many relationships, friendships and jobs, my daughter has suffered and my family is not speaking to me. Everything you ever told me has come true, not because of me but because of you.

I have found your weakness, you can not fight the medication, you can not fight the therapy, you can not fight my determination to regain everything I lost because of you.

I am slowly closing the door, and one day I will slam it shut and lock it. You will be gone from my life and when that happens, you are never coming back.

Sincerely,

Your once loyal and trusting friend,

Me